you're like bjork with better fashion sense.

things are good, i can not wait until our show this weekend.

that's it.

focusing on boys= so stupid.

im getting tired.

im getting tired.
physically, emotionally.
ya know.

tonight at acting i realized something.
how am i supposed to affect someone on stage, if i haven't ever been able to affect someone in real life?

i don't mean romantically, which is the obvious meaning, i mean in every way.

and honestly.
when it comes to the whole romantic side of my life.
there is none.
and i don't need anyone who doesnt want to be there.

i'm a lot stronger than i used to be.

someday i'll float away.

i'm really excited for tonight, tomorrow, and saturday.
party saturday.


i'm a little frustrated, i guess people are a lot different than they seem. ya know. and now matter how much you think you know a person's motives, you can be absolutely wrong. and it sucks. but, people suck. whatever, you learn from it, and grow from it.

i wrote a couple new songs. one about the person talked about about, and one about graduating, and like our high school experience. i had to do that one for a school project.

tonight is third annual prepeprally sleepover night. which means. compliment game. get ready for the confrontation and tears, everyone. seriously. for those of our friends who havent endured it yet, or werent there to witness the origional game two years ago on my kitchen floor, it's an experience. the word "compliment" can be used loosely, since it's more like getting everything you feel about everyone in the room out there in the open. we only do it once a year. maybe once more if it's necessary. ya know.
i'm excited for the sleepover, and senior pep rally. hell yeah. oh and i'm singing the national anthem. terrified is an understatement.

havent heard from bio dad at all.

yeaaah. longest post in a while. maybe ill post some songs soon.

so yeah.

this sucks,
everthing else is good though.
wrote a song today.
guess i was inspired.
ha.

circles.

disappointed.
overreacting?
probably.


pretty much sucks.

just like a star across my sky

i'm really happy, things are pretty good.
i had one of the nicest nights last night. :)

so last night i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a while, it was nice.

i'm at alexis's, watching cougartown. haha.

tonight's christmas show rehearsal :)

18 in 8 days.
celbration for it in 9.
whoooot.

ghost whisperer!

i love this show.

i dont have much to write about.
gieleno, my father, wrote to me. directly.

i wrote back.


still numb.

good day

today i just hung out, basically. and i liked it :)

So, my father hasn't written yet, but it'll happen, i think. i hope. i think i hope.
i'm nervous. it doesnt really seem real. you go that long without that piece of you, ya know.

but yeah.
tonight i'm sleeping over alexis's, we just had musical theatre. it was fun. i'm so so so excited for Grease. wohoo. school tomorrow. NYC wednesday AND saturday!!! wohooooooooo


yeahh. so. also, in recent days i've noticed some things. all i have to say is what comes around goes around.
having said that, im not really a vindictive person. but seriously, some people deserve a little karma, ya know.

haha. totally contradicted myself, but if you know me, i think you know what i mean, ya know.

so, college stuff is freaking me out lately. i wanna go somewhere. ugh, ya knoooow.

alright

so, probably the most important thing that's ever happened to me, happened yesterday.
some people don't know, but i grew up without a dad. i dont really talk about it, ya know. i joke about, not so much recently. but that's how i deal. i'm kind of numb to it, it sucks. it has my whole life. i've never known him, and i didn't think i ever would. i wrote a letter in sixth grade, and i never got one back. it's always been hard on me i guess, but i was so used to it too. i don't know.i wrote a facebook message over the summer, when i found him with no response.

anyways. yesterday i found out he emailed my mom. he want's to talk to me. it's been eighteen years, ya know. i want to talk to him. it'll be interesting i guess. i'm scared.

we were alone, and i was singing my song for you.

today i took the day off from school. momma thought it was agood idea since that whole possibility of me having swine was floating around. and yesterday i left school early cause i felt so shitty. but im all good now. im going to top forty tonight to see my friends. theyre all gonna be good good good :)

im bored. i havent seen friends since yesterday morning. i'm dying.

ladaldaladla

yeah, so less than a month until my birthday and my par-tay.
wooord.

mondays!

i hate mondays.
i will say it again.
i hate mondays.

However, today was pretty decent. ya know.
one month and one day and i will equal 18 years of age.

right now, i am at alexis's house, of course, so that's good atleast.

wedding play is up in the air, may or may not happen.
First grease rehearsal was last night. fantastic. so excited.

boys.silly things. dont know what to think of them.
old boys, new boys. boys are silly.

what a shitty day

seriously. found out i have two cs, sat in the gym for two hours waiting to get blood taken then i couldnt, and other shit. shit shit shit shit shit.

now im at alexis's, so that's good.
i might go to mcrays tonight.
if not, im going to paranormal with my friends.
idk.

i dont really want to write. im in a bad mood, haha.

here comes the sun, do do do do

life has been absolutely fantastic lately.
school's good, im losing weight (which is very good), acting's good, people are good.
good good good.

today i'm at alexis's, i have a run through of my cast of wedding play tonight. sweet.
this week's overall, been pretty decent. good actually.
everything's goood, clearly.

:)

mcrays tonight!

finally!
this week has been very, very, good.
ghost whisperer is confusing the poop out of me.


i really have nothing to write about.
football game was nice.
yeap

you say we're both little people and you like it that way

so, i'm at alexis's, of course.
leaving for grams soon. i'll probably end up watching jonas at her house while i wait to go out to dinner. i'm so lame.

so, it's been decided that i want to have a big party for my birthday. the big one eight. woaaah. i want like a formal with all my friends. i have a list already. haha.

last night was teapot, and they were considering closing it since no one's been, so i brought like a crapload of people. it was nice to see everyone and i havent really sang in so long. it was really nice. i sang with amanda, which i love because we blend so well and we have so much fun together. it was a pretty good night all around, plus a whole lot of my friends came.

we're doing an encore of the wedding play on november 1st. :) wohoo!

i overate cheese its. im so full.

blahblahblah

grease is the word.

and by that, i mean, grease is our next musical!
we can't get the rights for chicago until sometime in 2010, how early or late wasnt specified, so we're going to do grease first! and i'm jan :) split casted with mary. it's going to be fantastic show. i know it. we're all so excited.

last night was the cast party, fun fun.

i was an idiot and texted someone last night that i hadn't talked to in a long time, it was so awkward. im worried about choices people make. idk.

THE WEDDING PLAY WAS AMAZING.
so amazing.
ah!

i'm very happy :)

tonight's gonna be a good good night.

tomorrow's the play! whoooot!
today was pretty okay. chorus makes me crazy though, i seriously would quit if i could. the people in that class drive me insane. i joined it because i love to sing and i love music, because i want to deal with controlling condescending bitches. seriously. some people should really look in the mirror and notice how they're treating their peers. pisses me off.
i'm at alexis's. of course haha.
i think i might be into a boy! i mean, interested. i don't know him enough to like him or anything. but he's cute, and he interests me. so we'll see. this could be good for me. whatever!
someone texted me last night that i chose not to respond to. leave me alone. yeaup.
well, tonight's dress rehearsal! wohoo tomorrow!!!

what a good day.

This week is going to be about 230422 times better than last week, i can already tell. Today, for example, was absolutely fantastic.
Tonight, i'm sleeping over alexis's, we're going to look pretty tomorrow. whooo.
Boy i hate and i are getting along. good.
the play's this weekend! ! ! we're building a theatre at the studio, really cool.

i'm too tired to keep this one going. goodnight!

the only free saturday i've had in the past year probably

we got acting off today. and i thought i would be relieved to have a day off. well i mean a morning off. but it's weird not going to the studio, lol.

today we're going to the big e i think. tara, alexis, and i vote mcgray's farm instead. scary. but it would be so so fun. i wanna go.

i don't have much to write about. we're watching house. later we're making tshirts. then maybe mcgrays farm. or big e. i dont know.

i want my hair to grow faster.

yeah, this was completely pointless.

what a shitty week.

really. this week was definitely an all time low. seriously.
let's start with tuesday. top forty auditions. i would completely blank on the lyrics my senior year at auditions. i mean i made it through the first three years, then for some reason the last one, i blew it. cool cait.
wedesday. i was still all shitty from tuesday. i was being wicked dumb but i knew i wasnt going to get in and i felt really shitty. then i went to the big e for agawam day. and it was so freaking fun. so fun. at first. then of course. something came into the equation that got to me. really got to me. it was bad. then i got sick. then i felt better. then i felt sick again. so. it was actually a better agawam day than ive had for a while, but those little things sucked bad.
then yesterday i found out i did not make top forty. so. even if i saw it coming. it really sucked. i mean. there were A LOT of talented people at auditions, but i guess i thought she'd aleast give me some benefit of the doubt since she knows me so well and knows my voice and that i'd work really hard. whatever though.
today was crappy too. it'll be okay now though.

weekend. :)
now, i'm at alexis's watching private practice, we have rehearsal later.
i'm going to the big e tomorrow :))
today's blog was a major debbie downer day, but atleast it's out of my system.

i don't know what else to write about. college stuff is scaring me. i don't even know what to do. i have no chance anywhere besides hcc probably. even if i had the grades. i dont have the money.

hmm. i don't have a lovelife to write about. it's probably better like that.

i decided to become a vegetarian. so far so good.

show next weekend, be there or be square.

this blog's for alexis.

she really wanted me to post a new one.
the phone bill has yet to be paid, so i can only update from her house.

the wedding play is coming out so so gooood. really. i think that we are going to be really funny. i'm really looking forward to it. for tickets theactinglab.com, the link is under current productions i think.

alexis and i are watching america's next top model. i love this show.

So, lately i haven't written at all. Let's get caught up. I have been basically breathing acting lately. I'm always there. i like it that way though.
I've been noticing lately that the worst things happen to the best people. Like, some really sweet people have to live with diseases that get in the way of their lives everyday. that's awful.

I'm spending Halloween in new york city! how fun is that!? so fun. i'm really excited.

I miss jj's. weird. i got together with them last tuesday though. i missed amy ally and nate.

i have so much to write about since it's been so long, but i don't really know what to write about at the same time.

boys. non-existant---mostly. non-existant= GOOD.

Go watch the movie Swimming with Sharks. not kidding. Do it.

So, we wrote revealing monologues again. it was nice, to get that out. for the first time my monologue wasn't really sad. just hopeful, i think.

top forty auditions tomorrow.
i'm either going with 'black velvet', or ' my sweet song '


i dont know!

my eyeballs hurt.

really though.
Constant headaches and my eyes are always messed up. something's wrong, clearly.
acting today. i'm going to need some coffee.
so so tired.
this blog post was useless. i'm still sleeping i think.

it's ridiculous.

everyone's the same.

it's been a while

i'm pissed i just was writing this then the computer freaked out and i lost it.
So. I have not posted in a while. This is due to the fact that the phone bill wasn't paid so we don't currently have internet. haha, cool. But it's okay, i'm at alexis's and i'm taking full advantage of her mom's new laptop(way to go mommabarb, it's sick).
Anyway. Boy Story Update: over! it's cool. I'm learning i don't need anyone in my life that doesn't need me. And, honestly, i think i'm better off. I need someone up to my speed. Having said that, i don't actually need anyone. Not now atleast. I mean, some people might say i depend too much on other people. Well, i suppose i don't really need that person in my life either.
This blog is starting to sound like a lot of nothing. Babble, but whatever.
Two people this week have basically said i'm going no where with what i want to do. The teacher i talked about in the last post has kind of pushed my buttons a little. Whatever though. The worst thing was what was said by someone else. Someone said that i wasn't going to make it where i want to be because i don't have the motivation and i depend on other people too much. Honestly. Well. Maybe i won't make it there this year. But if i have to go to hcc and make money in those two years while i'm home going to community college, i will. I'm going to do it. I dont know if i'll go to school after hcc, or if i'll ever get into another school, but i will go to college after high school, and some point after that i will be in new york. so. you can quote me. i'm going to do it.
OH. Emily and i are friends again. Good. We stopped talking for a really stupid little girl reasons. And we fixed it. good good good.

well, i didn't really catch it all up. but. I'm tired. and at a sleep over.
And, by the way. The vmas- i'm not a fan of kanye. and lady gaga is my homegirl. yup.

friday nights.

today was total shit. until now. now, im with my best friends listening to nevershoutnever while they play rockband. right now is what i like to call absolute perfection.

today, however, shit.

i'm so tired of letting myself get walked all over. i'm really fed up. things are going to change.

A certain teacher who used to be my mentor but then last year made me lose almost all respect for her was acting like her old self all week, and then today she pushed me over the edge again. i think she knew it. she started trying to be really nice later. i lost respect for her last year because it was unbelievable to me how catty and awful some adults can be, especially about things they know nothing about. and i dont want to remember her like that, because for a couple years i was the only person who would stand up for her, she was my mentor and i obviously was pretty close to her. well, things as well as people change.

anyways, the week itself was pretty alright. i'm exhausted.

he said listen to these words that i have dreaded my whole life.

I didn't post yesterday. I wasn't feeling it. I was tired, and grumpy, and just all around unappealing. The blog would have been obnoxious. So, i decided against it. Tonight i have rehearsal! I am in love with this play. Not even kidding. In love.
Which brings me to my next point. When is too much? I'm getting so sick of walking literally in circles. One minute everything seems like it's going to be really good, then i feel like i get punched in the stomach by something he does or doesn't do. Whatever, i'm almost really fed up. I don't know if feeling like this is supposed to be worth it. I feel shitty. Maybe it will get better. We'll see.
Last night was my last night of jj's for the season. That's actually kind of sad. I'll still see like Tim, Ally, Colleen, Amy, and Nate though. Which is why i loved working there most anyways. So it'll be all good i think.
I just bought four nevershoutnever songs that i didnt have yet on itunes. I am literally obsessed with his music. I love it. And i'm like a Beatles and Michael Buble fan. So, as you can see, my taste is pretty much all over the place. But, i would consider making love to these songs. No lie.

Gotta get ready for school!
Thank goodness it's friday!

i don't want to sleep.

because, tonight was the first time in a long time i've felt really truely happy. i mean it's kind of wavered since then. but that's okay. dont read this and think i'm saying i've been depressed, or anything like that. no it's not that. today, someone who used to be my best friend in the whole world. for 5 years. decided to try to fix things, and get what we had back, which is incredible, because on some level the only other people who know me like she does are the other two who come along with the package. Today, i had a really good time at school, i'm staying on top of things, or trying. Today a certain boy made me really happy. If you haven't picked up on it, this certain boy is the same certain boy throughout my whole blog. Tonight i had rehearsal, and i was with my best friends. It was just an all around amazing day. So, when i say it's the first time i've felt truely happy, it's because atleast for a while there wasn't any small thing in the back of my mind bothering me. I was really happy.
That's about it for now.

eh

this post has less than a point.
i have work in an hour, not cool.
Uh, so school was pretty good, my History Through Music paper wasn't hard and the presentation wasn't bad at all. English made me nervous but for someone who didn't read the book, i did really well on the test designed to see who didn't read the book. HA.
All in all, it was a good day.
I was a grump because i thought i was being ignored all day, when in all actuality, i was the one doing the ignoring, without even realizing it. way to go cait.

i'm about to start reading this book called "Lipstick Apology" by Jennifer Jabaley, it sounds good, but sad.

Well, today i was pretty short and sweet, but that's alright.

cast list up!

In one of the three shows with different casting of this play, i did indeed get my part :)

i can sleep now.
it's been a night of confrontation, interesting.

Fantastic.

Mostly. I mean, the weekend itself was pretty exceptional. Camping with Alexis and Nicco Saturday into sunday was probably one of the best nights of summer, even though summer vacation is over. We made some friends, DerBear and Kyle Crocadle. Don't ask. What a bunch of CBs. That last part was mostly for Nicco and Alexis's enjoyment. Anyway. Sunday we came home for dance then went back to the campground with a new crew. Another really good night. Today was auditions, and i think they went well, for everyone. We watched some, and i'm just going to say, i have some freaking talented friends. Really talented.
Off topic. Boy. I'm so confused. I imagine this is a little personal for a blog, but i don't even care. I don't. Let's just say, if i seem like i'm okay with everything, you should know me better. And it doesn't really seem like certain people are proving that they meant anything they said. That's all.
Oh, sounds like drama, isnt.
School tomorrow, two presentations, oh poo.
Work in a little, not excited.
This post wasn't really exciting, I'll post when i see the cast list tonight, Crossing my fingers for the part i want.

oh man.

I know it appears that i didn't post on September 4th. Well. It is now 12:29am on September 5th, and i intend on considering this my September 4th/5th post, seeing as i will be camping tomorrow (technically today) until sunday, then i have dance and then staying out with friends that night. So, maybe September 4th - 6th is where we are. Who knows.
I'm at Lex's, so tired, but i needed to post ya know.
So, school today, pretty okay. I'm pretty confused about a lot of things concerning a boy, but i think things are going in a direction i'm in favor of. We'll see. I woke up an hour late, so i was a little pissed about that, but i managed to get there and be ready on time. It's a three day weekend. Wohoo. I suppose. Two oral presentations on Tuesday. History Through music- "What does music mean to me?" That's going to be harder than it sounds, but i guess i'll find out. ya know? It's going to be really chill though.
Well, acting in the morning, then camping with Lex and Nicco. Yes, I'm excited.
Oh, i have auditions for "The Wedding Play" on Monday, i'm excited. I think this is my last week of work. Thank God. Maybe next week, i dont know. But that means i have to get a winter job, oh man oh man.

This whole post has been blabber.
It's late, i'm tired, peacin' out.

Off to a good start, i'd like to think.

And there it is, the end of my last first day of high school. It is looking like it's going to be a really good year, actually. Senior Year sounds pretty chill right about now. I have classes with Shan, Danielle, Nat, Amanda, and that's basically what i asked for. Not to mention Ryan, Shannon, and i are all interning in Funk and Hueglin's office at the same time. HA, so good.
So, how were the classes, exboyfriends, and crazy teachers? Fantastic. And, a certain exboyfriend even more so.
Enough of that.
Favorite Class prediction - History Through Music. It sounds promising.

Schedule for the first half?
A- Engish 12 Honors
B- Intern with Funk
C- Honors Chorus
D- Issues in Health
E- Intern with Funk
F- History Through Music
G- Intro to Advanced Mathematics

sounds pretty spunky to me.
The second half is even more promising, with classes like contemporary music, piano guitar II, Music Composition, and Sociology.

If I sound excited, that's because I am. Well, off to work.

And here we go...

It's 6:44. In about ten minutes Mary will be picking me up for my last first day of high school. Oh man. So, today, is technically where the whole "journey" towards New York is going to begin. Who knows if i'll make it. I have pretty negative feelings towards it, however, i'm going to do everything i can to turn that around.
So, aside from that. Today will be very very interesting i'm sure on a normal teenage-highschool level. Exboyfriends, good classes, classes with exboyfriends, crazy teachers, and friends i haven't seen in atleast a month is what awaits today. So, here goes. I'll get back at this later.

Getting Started

So, i've had my fair share of "livejournals" and "xangas". But they were just random, to get some sort of a release. This blog, I am starting today, the day before my senior year begins, to follow my journey to hopefully make it to New York City after High school. Why is this a big deal? Well, i was a dumbass and screwed off most of High School, and now with grades much less than exceptional, getting to New York is going to be near to impossible. My mom thinks I am going to a local community college, and i may have to. But i'm going to work my ass of this year to make some money, since my financial situation isn't so fab. I'm going to do anything and everything in my power to raise my GPA--and stay focused. And, also, I need to get better. At acting. At singing. And especially at dancing. I work my ass off, but it's time now to really get down to business. So, tomorrow starts my final chapter of High School, and I'm going to make it count.

That aside. Today, my last day of summer, i will be cleaning my room, going out to lunch to say goodbye to Chris before he goes off to college, and choreographing a dance project we had this week, oh and finishing my summer school work due tomorrow. Not the most exciting last day of summer. Tomorrow starts a whole new page. I'm serious.