wow i'm a slacker

how long has it been since i've written in this thing?

too long, probably.

I graduated. Prom happened. Shows happened. Made friends. Lost friends. Fell in love, actually.


That's about it.

ha

i haven't written in forever, mostly because i got an oldschool journal that i'm more honest with.

silly boys, thats all i have to say. silly boys here, silly boys there.

prom is coming, im excited. good things are starting to really happen.

i made a group of friends that i wish i had all through highschool. gemtack <3

not getting where i'm going

i don't know where i'm going in life.
all i want is to be at berklee next year.
i want to magically know all the theory i need to know, and have the grades and money to get there, but i can't.
when i saw they have a summer program i freaked out. it's five weeks, but it's thousands of dollars. so i let that go.
then i saw that they have smaller summer programs. one for songwriting and one for vocalists.
i'd go to either. i would so love to go to either. but they each alone add up to like a thousand dollars. and that's impossible. i called my mom just to tell her about them, not even expecting to go and she was a total b about it. whatever.
so, i will go to hcc for a year or two.
but i'm scared about what i'm going to do after that.
i don't want to be stuck here. i want to sing and write my music. and act. i dont know. everything kind of sucks, because i don;t know what i'm working towards, and how im going to get there.

nothing exciting has been happening.
midterms are over.
this weekend i have rehearsal and whatnot.
a week from today is the concert!
woooohoo.
i love the show my life as liz.
my friends hate it, whatevs.

hungry.

a list.

it's a movie. it's a tv show. it's in facebook notes.
after seeing the bucket list and my buried life people are going ambition list crazy.

i watched a walk to remember in 6th grade i think.
there was a list.
i want a list.
i think i need a list.

in no particular order... yet.

-perform on Broadway
-name my child Lela (if i ever have a child)
-get my liscence(i know i should already have it)
-get into a really really good college in boston or new york after hcc for music
-become AMAZING at guitar
-sing songs a wrote on a stage in front of people who appreciate good music
-meet gaga
-do something that helps a cause greater than i can imagine
-be remembered
-help with a cure to alzheimers
-meet someone who means something
-get a tattoo
-give blood(again)
-live in the city
-get a puppy
-meet my biological father's sister and mother
-meet my father and his family
-write music that helps other people
-lead an extraordinary life

can i stay here with you til the morning?

i constantly back track.
like.
i have this habit of distracting myself from reality, or harsh feelings by creating new situations to put myself into. new interests.
however, say i just got a new interest, a pretend one, to distract myself from feeling like a fucktard because i let myself get played by a friend, who clearly wasn't the person i thought he was and then along comes some new information to through me right back into thinking about buttboy who makes me feel like a joke. this whole blog is a big babble vent out. so, if you have any interest in reading something other than my large moment of being self absorbed, click away. anyway. i forgive, and trust so easily. i let people in even when i know i shouldn't. basically, im not very smart about relationships, of any kind. so, tonight, im with some of my best friends, and of course i'm thinking about how i am able to be so freaking stupid.


yeah, but now that i got it out, i'm over it.

ya heard.

new song, check it out on my facebook, it's been up for about a week.

nothing's new.
and at the same time, a whole lot is.

arttm

a rocket to the moon.
one of my absolute favorite bands, as of the 'jingle my bells' festival i went to last month. seriously. fantastic. and in less than a month, i'm seeing them again. like seriously. they aren't the most well known band yet, and i am in love with their music. good stuff. good lyrics. check it out.

a lot's new, and at the same time nothing's changed. we'll see how the next three weeks go in school, because after that my period 2 internship is over and let's hope with that all of the anxiety i get because being there makes me want to throw things will subside.
i'm completely exaggerating, whatevs yo.

you're like bjork with better fashion sense.

things are good, i can not wait until our show this weekend.

that's it.

focusing on boys= so stupid.

im getting tired.

im getting tired.
physically, emotionally.
ya know.

tonight at acting i realized something.
how am i supposed to affect someone on stage, if i haven't ever been able to affect someone in real life?

i don't mean romantically, which is the obvious meaning, i mean in every way.

and honestly.
when it comes to the whole romantic side of my life.
there is none.
and i don't need anyone who doesnt want to be there.

i'm a lot stronger than i used to be.

someday i'll float away.

i'm really excited for tonight, tomorrow, and saturday.
party saturday.


i'm a little frustrated, i guess people are a lot different than they seem. ya know. and now matter how much you think you know a person's motives, you can be absolutely wrong. and it sucks. but, people suck. whatever, you learn from it, and grow from it.

i wrote a couple new songs. one about the person talked about about, and one about graduating, and like our high school experience. i had to do that one for a school project.

tonight is third annual prepeprally sleepover night. which means. compliment game. get ready for the confrontation and tears, everyone. seriously. for those of our friends who havent endured it yet, or werent there to witness the origional game two years ago on my kitchen floor, it's an experience. the word "compliment" can be used loosely, since it's more like getting everything you feel about everyone in the room out there in the open. we only do it once a year. maybe once more if it's necessary. ya know.
i'm excited for the sleepover, and senior pep rally. hell yeah. oh and i'm singing the national anthem. terrified is an understatement.

havent heard from bio dad at all.

yeaaah. longest post in a while. maybe ill post some songs soon.

so yeah.

this sucks,
everthing else is good though.
wrote a song today.
guess i was inspired.
ha.

circles.

disappointed.
overreacting?
probably.


pretty much sucks.

just like a star across my sky

i'm really happy, things are pretty good.
i had one of the nicest nights last night. :)

so last night i saw some friends i hadn't seen in a while, it was nice.

i'm at alexis's, watching cougartown. haha.

tonight's christmas show rehearsal :)

18 in 8 days.
celbration for it in 9.
whoooot.

ghost whisperer!

i love this show.

i dont have much to write about.
gieleno, my father, wrote to me. directly.

i wrote back.


still numb.

good day

today i just hung out, basically. and i liked it :)

So, my father hasn't written yet, but it'll happen, i think. i hope. i think i hope.
i'm nervous. it doesnt really seem real. you go that long without that piece of you, ya know.

but yeah.
tonight i'm sleeping over alexis's, we just had musical theatre. it was fun. i'm so so so excited for Grease. wohoo. school tomorrow. NYC wednesday AND saturday!!! wohooooooooo


yeahh. so. also, in recent days i've noticed some things. all i have to say is what comes around goes around.
having said that, im not really a vindictive person. but seriously, some people deserve a little karma, ya know.

haha. totally contradicted myself, but if you know me, i think you know what i mean, ya know.

so, college stuff is freaking me out lately. i wanna go somewhere. ugh, ya knoooow.

alright

so, probably the most important thing that's ever happened to me, happened yesterday.
some people don't know, but i grew up without a dad. i dont really talk about it, ya know. i joke about, not so much recently. but that's how i deal. i'm kind of numb to it, it sucks. it has my whole life. i've never known him, and i didn't think i ever would. i wrote a letter in sixth grade, and i never got one back. it's always been hard on me i guess, but i was so used to it too. i don't know.i wrote a facebook message over the summer, when i found him with no response.

anyways. yesterday i found out he emailed my mom. he want's to talk to me. it's been eighteen years, ya know. i want to talk to him. it'll be interesting i guess. i'm scared.

we were alone, and i was singing my song for you.

today i took the day off from school. momma thought it was agood idea since that whole possibility of me having swine was floating around. and yesterday i left school early cause i felt so shitty. but im all good now. im going to top forty tonight to see my friends. theyre all gonna be good good good :)

im bored. i havent seen friends since yesterday morning. i'm dying.

ladaldaladla

yeah, so less than a month until my birthday and my par-tay.
wooord.

mondays!

i hate mondays.
i will say it again.
i hate mondays.

However, today was pretty decent. ya know.
one month and one day and i will equal 18 years of age.

right now, i am at alexis's house, of course, so that's good atleast.

wedding play is up in the air, may or may not happen.
First grease rehearsal was last night. fantastic. so excited.

boys.silly things. dont know what to think of them.
old boys, new boys. boys are silly.

what a shitty day

seriously. found out i have two cs, sat in the gym for two hours waiting to get blood taken then i couldnt, and other shit. shit shit shit shit shit.

now im at alexis's, so that's good.
i might go to mcrays tonight.
if not, im going to paranormal with my friends.
idk.

i dont really want to write. im in a bad mood, haha.